Those Kids - Our Role

"Ever since first grade, he'd been coming to school anxious, defensive, and braced for the next confrontation with a classmate or teacher."

"And are we treating chronically misbehaving children as though they don't want to behave, when in many cases they simply can't?"

These two really stuck out to me. I have time and time again thought about how we can teach children how to control their impulses. 

Now, I work with young children and this article discusses elementary age. But it begins with us, in the preschool setting. 

Being an Educational Specialist in a preschool, a lot of my time is spent problem solving and redirecting those kids. It doesn't stop there at our school. I then must be an example for the teachers by keeping my cool and showing teachers how to calm an angry or mischievous preschooler. 

It's so easy for teachers to ask for a break from the child who is sucking all of the attention from the other children. Initially, I am able to step in and focus on this child while the teacher continues with their lesson. By mentoring and guiding the child, I get to show the teachers tools for times like these. There must be a shift at some point for the teachers to learn the cues and triggers that set the child off. They also must check their emotions and be aware of ways that their response may be hurting instead of helping. 

We have their development on our side. They have yet to develop these skills to regulate their feelings. This is where the article below comes into play. We must not allow the child to come into the classroom and feel like it's going to be another day of consequences, another day of threats or another day of an exasperated teacher who just needs a vacation. We are the driving force for these preschoolers social emotional development. It doesn't stop when they leave the classroom either. We must partner with the parents and let them know what's going on in the classroom so we can mold the children as they develop and figure out the ways of the world. 

Below is the link about a whole new look at those kids and being the change in their world to set them up for emotional success. 

http://www.filmsforaction.org/articles/what-if-everything-you-knew-about-disciplining-kids-was-wrong/

-thelloydmom

What kind of responder are you?

Responding Habits – good habits – bad habits?

Author Gretchen Rubin describes her latest literature that focuses on how you create habits and you, as an individual, respond to rules of living.

 

Here are her four type of responder’s to rules (whether external rules or internal rules). Where do you fit in the most?

·         Upholder – Responds readily to both inner and outer rules.

Need to know what is expected – need to know guidelines and expectations – strong sense of obligation to their own rules

·         Questioners – question all rules – if they agree they will conform and follow the rules.

-          Both Upholders and Rebels – depends on how they feel about the Rules.

Motivated by sound reason – it must make sense but will not follow rules that have no grounds – typically intellectually engaged. NEED for information

·         Rebel – Resists all rules – do what they want to do no matter the situation. Typically lead a satisfying life – not necessarily a productive or successful one.

·         Obligors – Respond readily with outer rules but have a hard time rules for themselves.

Often are the ones to jump on tasks to help others but often forget to take care of themselves – high rate of burn out.

I quickly thought I was an Upholder. My sister can tell you that there are certain rules I will not, absolutely will not, break. Things in regards to safety are pretty high on my rules that can be questioned (once!) but will ALWAYS hold weight when proven necessary.

After digging deeper into how I really work – I see clearly that I am a Questioner – why? Because when I come across a task – duty so to say – I will briefly question it if I have yet to understand the importance of it. When it has been decided, or has already been shown the need, I will do it and always with the best of my ability.  Let me give you an example. In education, often times there are rigid expectations and guidelines that need to be followed. Knowing that everyone is different and learns a different way, I have a hard time with people being put into these standardized boxes. If you can remember a video I shared a while ago about the education system and its flaws, you can see why I feel the way I do about setting generic parameters in education.  

Grasping that I am a questioner brings light as to why I work so well with children. They ask “why?” they want to know why. Even when they ask again, they are trying to grasp the importance of your explanation and how it pertains to their here and now. Since I have come to terms with being a questioner, it has provided me with the relief of certain frustrations that come from not understanding and frankly “rebelling” against rules that just create boundaries that are unnecessary; Boundaries that inhibit growth because the lines are black and white.  

Photo: http://thedailyquipple.com/tag/happiness-quotes/

My next question for myself is why is it so hard for me not to jump in head first and full speed when I love what I do? When you but your head against someone who is not “in it” like you are, it can be disheartening. I am back in a spot that was challenging for me previously, 3 weeks later and nothing has changed. I did not expect anything less, hence no disappoint there. To tough it through is something that I need to do. I accepted the open position for the high chance of being moved to another department. In a department that would be somewhat foreign to me. I am pushing for this new endeavor in hopes that I can grow and learn as professional. Knowing that my ultimate goal is still decades away. Reserving my passionate, eager and self-motivated self at bay has been one of the hardest things I have faced professionally in a long time!

Here’s the deal – I love kids, I love education, I love family relationships being the facilitator of these. I have a passion for these things. Several articles have really provided insight on my ideas of a career. I want to make a difference. The questioner in me is always asking “are you where you need to be?” and pushing myself to make a mark no matter what umbrella I stand under.

What type of responder are you? Can you understand some of the obstacles you face in your work place or classroom? How can you go about changing these challenges and make them better fit for your responsive behaviors?

 

 

Ashley

thelloydmom

 

Confessions of a 7 year old boy

Our oldest son came to us tonight, after heading to bed of course, and confessed. Confessed something that must have been weighing on him so much to push him to come clean. We were completely unaware that anything had been going on but nonetheless, he began his confession with "you guys can ground me for a long time if you want to". 

He sat on the couch with his baby/grown up face looking from the ground to our eyes. He did his best to hold back the tears as his chin quivered. 

After taking a deep breath, he told us that two of his friends in class, along with himself, were saying bad words behind the teachers back at school. I asked him what words they were saying but all he could say was "I should say sorry" 

At the parent teacher conference his teacher had warned Mason of making sure he didn't not follow the poor behavior from some other classmates he got along with. You see, he is very charismatic, kind and caring. This can attract those who are missing these things on other areas of their life. 

Part of me wanted to scold him for following them when he knew what they were doing was wrong but I sat stoic while Dad stepped in. My husband told him that he is very proud of him being so brave to tell us something knowing that there was a chance he could be punished. He said that as he gets older he may see other people doing things they are not supposed to and Mason should be sure to let us know if he, or anyone else, was in danger or were doing hurtful things. 

Mason just sat and took it all in. Breathing deeply, working on swallowing his fear of punishment. 

Instead of punishing him, we thanked him for doing the right thing. Confessing on something we had no idea was going on. 

Not only am I beyond proud of Mason, but I am so grateful that my husband was able to quell my "attack" mode and used it as a stepping stone for creating a virtuous man out of our boy. 

How would have handled this confession? Would you had to bite your tongue like me? I'm glad I don't jump verbally because this, I can only assume, was a turning point for Mason and he will now know that as long as he is honest and does not continue with the confessed behavior he will be better off. 

Ash

Thelloydmom 

Why moms make the best (and worst) friends you'll ever have.

So, it's no secret I had my babies young. 

This began to process of friends coming and going. Friends disappearing, making excuses and flat out falling off the face of the earth. In the moment, I was totally bummed, I mean a BFF is supposed to be, well, forever. This fallacy is sweet when in it, forever until your life changes. As an adult you come to realize otherwise. You go through phases of anger, resentment and irritability with those forever friends. These fade if you allow them too. You learn to forgive and move past who you had as friends. 

You see, I learned that everyone has their own issues to deal with and it makes my world more difficult if I harbor those feelings. I had to take a mental break from those who I held most dear (and don't get me wrong, they still have a special place in my heart) and live life in the now. Be grateful for those who are here for me now. Most importantly, cherish memories made with those in your past. 

This brings me to all of my friends who are moms. We all know what life is like with a husband (or not) and kids. These beings are and always will be the most important people in your life. Their needs always supersede those who don't live under your roof. There are no ifs ands or buts about it. I sometimes catch myself in pre-mom brain feeling sad by the unreturned text or unreciprocated invites. I  to pull back and say "She's a mom, right now she is probably fixing food, cleaning a mess, taking a well deserved shower, or better yet watching her favorite tv show without interruption!" I cannot be harsh on my mom friends. Why? Because I do it too! I glance at your text thinking about my response... Then I don't text you for three days. This normally ends with "oh my gosh, I'm the worst!" Mom friends get it, others may roll their eyes. Either way, I'm sorry! 

A really good friend of mine (a mom friend;) ) said that the worst part of having friends who are moms can be the unsolicited advice and judgements that are made. Moms, do yourself a favor, give her some slack, all moms walk a different path in motherhood. What works for you, most likely, won't work as well for her. Leave the advice for when she needs it and send her love and encouragement always. In the end, your children are watching how cynical you are about your peers. Do you want them to grow up thinking that judging, discouraging and minimilizing "friends" is how to nurture a friendship? I think not.

And to those who are not my mom friends, know that this does not demean our friendships by any means. Why? Because you stick with me even through my missed girls nights and 3-day later replies! For that, I thank you.

thelloydmom

Parenting Hands On

So our oldest son has been with his best buddy the past couple days and our Ben has been solo at home. Although I know he has been enjoying no competition for TV or games, we know he misses the comradre that he has with his brother. We tried our best to make it a great weekend for him but many, if not all plans of fun for him fell through, he was stuck with dear ol mom and dad. We decided we were just going to take this time to really enjoy him. Our Benjamin loves to draw, create and do anything out of the box. He even proclaimed at his preK Graduation that he was going to be an Artist when he grows up. He has a wonderful imagination and I hope that he continues to love life the way he does. For this saturday for just the three of us, we took him to the IDEA museum in Mesa. This is a place where kids can create with recycled materials and make anything. They can explore music and different types of art. Dad and Ben worked on a recharging station for the "robot" and "robot dog" Ben made. This was a sweet sincere moment for the two. They began working individually but the final product came together as one piece. Ben drew on an eisel that was available to all. He sketched his family. First, Dad with a beard. Next, Ben and "Mason with his arm around me" So Sweet! Mom came last with Dads arm around her. He showed us his writing skills scrawling "Family" along the top.

I appreciate times like these when we can enjoy time with one another. I think we did a good job making lemonade out of the lemons we were served.

Three weeks of Reflection

These last three weeks have been quite a blur. A blur in a sense of future endeavors and decisions to be made. In these last few weeks my husband and I had to search for jobs, mine was a replacement, whereas his was more of a promotion. He took on a job to be a Regional Project Manager for a growing underground (literally) company. This came to a surprise to us as he turned down a position at this same company a week before. They called him back to ask him to replace the man that had interviewed him. He really impressed them with his professionalism and knowledge of the duties he would be taking on. He truly deserves this next step and I am so anxious to see where it takes him. With his hard work ethic and dedication, I know there is nothing but positive growth in his future.

This brings me to my change. The agency that I worked for did not get their grant renewed. What this meant was those whom were paid under this grant would no longer be funded at the end of June. Initially, I anticipated this change. Infact, I was banking on it. I was disheartened by the politics of the fundee and all I wanted was the best for the children and families that I served. This often tied my hands when making decisions within my visits and community events. This was hard. Hard to be told that you can't be completely open and honest with what was happening (or what could be). My policy is to be transparent. This went against my moral fiber. As you can see, I anticipated the change. I was offered a chance to move within the agency laterally, but I just could not see myself running around with the politics of the Agency who preached well being and prevention but was really focused on their intervention piece (nothing wrong with this since it is their strong suit). It just wasn't for me. I was also given an immediate opportunity to be a paraprofessional at my sons school.This meant a HUGE paycut and no pay during summer and breaks. As much as I wanted to be there with my boys again in the school environment, I had to step back and know where my strength and education lies.
Families with children Prenatal to 5.
This is what I know,
this is what I am good at,
this is where I can confidently speak up and not second guess what I am saying.
This is the core and foundation for this blog.
I want to partner with families with young children and provide an outlet for them to ask the questions they may not want to ask friends or family, where they won't feel judged or recieve an answer with a strong bias. I want what is best for all kids. Not just the ones I know and love. As for "work", I am an Instructor at Grow With Yoga ABC in Gilbert, as well as, a teacher at Watch Me Grow Child Care and Preschool. This September, I will have known these families for the last 4 years. They have become family to me. This is where I feel at home. Although there currently is no room for managerial growth (which is really the jackpot job for me, to help support teachers and children = score!) I know that I can make an impact on the children that I will teach in the PreK classroom. This beat all of the other uncertain outcomes from the other opportunities. As much as my husband sees this as "settling" (asking "How much debt are we in now that you have a degree?")  I can't let money overtake the now. I will figure that out as it goes.

After reflecting on these last three weeks, it has brought me to the core of our family. The relationship between my husband and I. No matter what has been thrown our way in the last 11 years (power turned off, stress of school/work/home, bills, medical care, being told NO), we have always perservered and made it out of the ash of what ever mess surrounded us. This has been a true testament to our strength and support for one another. We know its never 50/50 in a marriage. It may be 80/20 for a couple months and then 40/60. You can't take score.Who knows maybe it was my Family and Relationship courses that I took for it to solidify our thoughts on marriage. We knew we were on the right path, but when someone tells you the things that happen in a healthy marriage are happening in yours... it feels pretty damn good.
So here's a toast, to all you couples who have been through more than your family and friends may never know, to you who have said its worth it to be honest, open and communicate with your spouses. I applaud you, it may not be an easy feat, but dammit it sure feels really good to look across the table and know that he(she) has your back no matter what.

thelloydmom
Ashley Lloyd

(photo cred: thethingswesay.com)

 

Mood swings and your kid

After doing some research on mood swings for my seven-year-old son, I came to find out that they are more common in our children that we may know. They often happen at the drop of a hat and you wonder what is going on with your kid. Where have you gone wrong?  Are they hungry tired sleepy etc. etc. Apparently, according to this website centerofparentingeducation.org, they happen more frequently than you may think. Mood variation typically rings a bell when you're thinking about the teenage years. Teenagers going up and down in mood because of their hormones but as your child grows they are going through these changes in their body and they don't really quite understand why the feeling the way that feeling. I found out that before age 6 1/2, your child can go through a bout of mood swings every six months or so and then after age 6 1/2 it's on the odd years 7, 9 and 11. That's when we come in as parents! We have to show them how to regulate these new feelings.

http://centerforparentingeducation.org/library-of-articles/child-development/child-development-by-age/

This site breaks down each age and the developmental areas that your child is coming upon. I could pinpoint each issue that we were having with my seven-year-old here. It was really helpful and it definitely made me feel little bit more easier about this being phased versus being something serious. 

Parenting is always a learning experience even for those who feel like they have it down. I truly believe there are no experts just learning what works as it comes. 

Ash

Thelloydmom