What kind of responder are you?

Responding Habits – good habits – bad habits?

Author Gretchen Rubin describes her latest literature that focuses on how you create habits and you, as an individual, respond to rules of living.

 

Here are her four type of responder’s to rules (whether external rules or internal rules). Where do you fit in the most?

·         Upholder – Responds readily to both inner and outer rules.

Need to know what is expected – need to know guidelines and expectations – strong sense of obligation to their own rules

·         Questioners – question all rules – if they agree they will conform and follow the rules.

-          Both Upholders and Rebels – depends on how they feel about the Rules.

Motivated by sound reason – it must make sense but will not follow rules that have no grounds – typically intellectually engaged. NEED for information

·         Rebel – Resists all rules – do what they want to do no matter the situation. Typically lead a satisfying life – not necessarily a productive or successful one.

·         Obligors – Respond readily with outer rules but have a hard time rules for themselves.

Often are the ones to jump on tasks to help others but often forget to take care of themselves – high rate of burn out.

I quickly thought I was an Upholder. My sister can tell you that there are certain rules I will not, absolutely will not, break. Things in regards to safety are pretty high on my rules that can be questioned (once!) but will ALWAYS hold weight when proven necessary.

After digging deeper into how I really work – I see clearly that I am a Questioner – why? Because when I come across a task – duty so to say – I will briefly question it if I have yet to understand the importance of it. When it has been decided, or has already been shown the need, I will do it and always with the best of my ability.  Let me give you an example. In education, often times there are rigid expectations and guidelines that need to be followed. Knowing that everyone is different and learns a different way, I have a hard time with people being put into these standardized boxes. If you can remember a video I shared a while ago about the education system and its flaws, you can see why I feel the way I do about setting generic parameters in education.  

Grasping that I am a questioner brings light as to why I work so well with children. They ask “why?” they want to know why. Even when they ask again, they are trying to grasp the importance of your explanation and how it pertains to their here and now. Since I have come to terms with being a questioner, it has provided me with the relief of certain frustrations that come from not understanding and frankly “rebelling” against rules that just create boundaries that are unnecessary; Boundaries that inhibit growth because the lines are black and white.  

Photo: http://thedailyquipple.com/tag/happiness-quotes/

My next question for myself is why is it so hard for me not to jump in head first and full speed when I love what I do? When you but your head against someone who is not “in it” like you are, it can be disheartening. I am back in a spot that was challenging for me previously, 3 weeks later and nothing has changed. I did not expect anything less, hence no disappoint there. To tough it through is something that I need to do. I accepted the open position for the high chance of being moved to another department. In a department that would be somewhat foreign to me. I am pushing for this new endeavor in hopes that I can grow and learn as professional. Knowing that my ultimate goal is still decades away. Reserving my passionate, eager and self-motivated self at bay has been one of the hardest things I have faced professionally in a long time!

Here’s the deal – I love kids, I love education, I love family relationships being the facilitator of these. I have a passion for these things. Several articles have really provided insight on my ideas of a career. I want to make a difference. The questioner in me is always asking “are you where you need to be?” and pushing myself to make a mark no matter what umbrella I stand under.

What type of responder are you? Can you understand some of the obstacles you face in your work place or classroom? How can you go about changing these challenges and make them better fit for your responsive behaviors?

 

 

Ashley

thelloydmom

 

Confessions of a 7 year old boy

Our oldest son came to us tonight, after heading to bed of course, and confessed. Confessed something that must have been weighing on him so much to push him to come clean. We were completely unaware that anything had been going on but nonetheless, he began his confession with "you guys can ground me for a long time if you want to". 

He sat on the couch with his baby/grown up face looking from the ground to our eyes. He did his best to hold back the tears as his chin quivered. 

After taking a deep breath, he told us that two of his friends in class, along with himself, were saying bad words behind the teachers back at school. I asked him what words they were saying but all he could say was "I should say sorry" 

At the parent teacher conference his teacher had warned Mason of making sure he didn't not follow the poor behavior from some other classmates he got along with. You see, he is very charismatic, kind and caring. This can attract those who are missing these things on other areas of their life. 

Part of me wanted to scold him for following them when he knew what they were doing was wrong but I sat stoic while Dad stepped in. My husband told him that he is very proud of him being so brave to tell us something knowing that there was a chance he could be punished. He said that as he gets older he may see other people doing things they are not supposed to and Mason should be sure to let us know if he, or anyone else, was in danger or were doing hurtful things. 

Mason just sat and took it all in. Breathing deeply, working on swallowing his fear of punishment. 

Instead of punishing him, we thanked him for doing the right thing. Confessing on something we had no idea was going on. 

Not only am I beyond proud of Mason, but I am so grateful that my husband was able to quell my "attack" mode and used it as a stepping stone for creating a virtuous man out of our boy. 

How would have handled this confession? Would you had to bite your tongue like me? I'm glad I don't jump verbally because this, I can only assume, was a turning point for Mason and he will now know that as long as he is honest and does not continue with the confessed behavior he will be better off. 

Ash

Thelloydmom 

Why moms make the best (and worst) friends you'll ever have.

So, it's no secret I had my babies young. 

This began to process of friends coming and going. Friends disappearing, making excuses and flat out falling off the face of the earth. In the moment, I was totally bummed, I mean a BFF is supposed to be, well, forever. This fallacy is sweet when in it, forever until your life changes. As an adult you come to realize otherwise. You go through phases of anger, resentment and irritability with those forever friends. These fade if you allow them too. You learn to forgive and move past who you had as friends. 

You see, I learned that everyone has their own issues to deal with and it makes my world more difficult if I harbor those feelings. I had to take a mental break from those who I held most dear (and don't get me wrong, they still have a special place in my heart) and live life in the now. Be grateful for those who are here for me now. Most importantly, cherish memories made with those in your past. 

This brings me to all of my friends who are moms. We all know what life is like with a husband (or not) and kids. These beings are and always will be the most important people in your life. Their needs always supersede those who don't live under your roof. There are no ifs ands or buts about it. I sometimes catch myself in pre-mom brain feeling sad by the unreturned text or unreciprocated invites. I  to pull back and say "She's a mom, right now she is probably fixing food, cleaning a mess, taking a well deserved shower, or better yet watching her favorite tv show without interruption!" I cannot be harsh on my mom friends. Why? Because I do it too! I glance at your text thinking about my response... Then I don't text you for three days. This normally ends with "oh my gosh, I'm the worst!" Mom friends get it, others may roll their eyes. Either way, I'm sorry! 

A really good friend of mine (a mom friend;) ) said that the worst part of having friends who are moms can be the unsolicited advice and judgements that are made. Moms, do yourself a favor, give her some slack, all moms walk a different path in motherhood. What works for you, most likely, won't work as well for her. Leave the advice for when she needs it and send her love and encouragement always. In the end, your children are watching how cynical you are about your peers. Do you want them to grow up thinking that judging, discouraging and minimilizing "friends" is how to nurture a friendship? I think not.

And to those who are not my mom friends, know that this does not demean our friendships by any means. Why? Because you stick with me even through my missed girls nights and 3-day later replies! For that, I thank you.

thelloydmom

Parenting Hands On

So our oldest son has been with his best buddy the past couple days and our Ben has been solo at home. Although I know he has been enjoying no competition for TV or games, we know he misses the comradre that he has with his brother. We tried our best to make it a great weekend for him but many, if not all plans of fun for him fell through, he was stuck with dear ol mom and dad. We decided we were just going to take this time to really enjoy him. Our Benjamin loves to draw, create and do anything out of the box. He even proclaimed at his preK Graduation that he was going to be an Artist when he grows up. He has a wonderful imagination and I hope that he continues to love life the way he does. For this saturday for just the three of us, we took him to the IDEA museum in Mesa. This is a place where kids can create with recycled materials and make anything. They can explore music and different types of art. Dad and Ben worked on a recharging station for the "robot" and "robot dog" Ben made. This was a sweet sincere moment for the two. They began working individually but the final product came together as one piece. Ben drew on an eisel that was available to all. He sketched his family. First, Dad with a beard. Next, Ben and "Mason with his arm around me" So Sweet! Mom came last with Dads arm around her. He showed us his writing skills scrawling "Family" along the top.

I appreciate times like these when we can enjoy time with one another. I think we did a good job making lemonade out of the lemons we were served.

Three weeks of Reflection

These last three weeks have been quite a blur. A blur in a sense of future endeavors and decisions to be made. In these last few weeks my husband and I had to search for jobs, mine was a replacement, whereas his was more of a promotion. He took on a job to be a Regional Project Manager for a growing underground (literally) company. This came to a surprise to us as he turned down a position at this same company a week before. They called him back to ask him to replace the man that had interviewed him. He really impressed them with his professionalism and knowledge of the duties he would be taking on. He truly deserves this next step and I am so anxious to see where it takes him. With his hard work ethic and dedication, I know there is nothing but positive growth in his future.

This brings me to my change. The agency that I worked for did not get their grant renewed. What this meant was those whom were paid under this grant would no longer be funded at the end of June. Initially, I anticipated this change. Infact, I was banking on it. I was disheartened by the politics of the fundee and all I wanted was the best for the children and families that I served. This often tied my hands when making decisions within my visits and community events. This was hard. Hard to be told that you can't be completely open and honest with what was happening (or what could be). My policy is to be transparent. This went against my moral fiber. As you can see, I anticipated the change. I was offered a chance to move within the agency laterally, but I just could not see myself running around with the politics of the Agency who preached well being and prevention but was really focused on their intervention piece (nothing wrong with this since it is their strong suit). It just wasn't for me. I was also given an immediate opportunity to be a paraprofessional at my sons school.This meant a HUGE paycut and no pay during summer and breaks. As much as I wanted to be there with my boys again in the school environment, I had to step back and know where my strength and education lies.
Families with children Prenatal to 5.
This is what I know,
this is what I am good at,
this is where I can confidently speak up and not second guess what I am saying.
This is the core and foundation for this blog.
I want to partner with families with young children and provide an outlet for them to ask the questions they may not want to ask friends or family, where they won't feel judged or recieve an answer with a strong bias. I want what is best for all kids. Not just the ones I know and love. As for "work", I am an Instructor at Grow With Yoga ABC in Gilbert, as well as, a teacher at Watch Me Grow Child Care and Preschool. This September, I will have known these families for the last 4 years. They have become family to me. This is where I feel at home. Although there currently is no room for managerial growth (which is really the jackpot job for me, to help support teachers and children = score!) I know that I can make an impact on the children that I will teach in the PreK classroom. This beat all of the other uncertain outcomes from the other opportunities. As much as my husband sees this as "settling" (asking "How much debt are we in now that you have a degree?")  I can't let money overtake the now. I will figure that out as it goes.

After reflecting on these last three weeks, it has brought me to the core of our family. The relationship between my husband and I. No matter what has been thrown our way in the last 11 years (power turned off, stress of school/work/home, bills, medical care, being told NO), we have always perservered and made it out of the ash of what ever mess surrounded us. This has been a true testament to our strength and support for one another. We know its never 50/50 in a marriage. It may be 80/20 for a couple months and then 40/60. You can't take score.Who knows maybe it was my Family and Relationship courses that I took for it to solidify our thoughts on marriage. We knew we were on the right path, but when someone tells you the things that happen in a healthy marriage are happening in yours... it feels pretty damn good.
So here's a toast, to all you couples who have been through more than your family and friends may never know, to you who have said its worth it to be honest, open and communicate with your spouses. I applaud you, it may not be an easy feat, but dammit it sure feels really good to look across the table and know that he(she) has your back no matter what.

thelloydmom
Ashley Lloyd

(photo cred: thethingswesay.com)

 

Mood swings and your kid

After doing some research on mood swings for my seven-year-old son, I came to find out that they are more common in our children that we may know. They often happen at the drop of a hat and you wonder what is going on with your kid. Where have you gone wrong?  Are they hungry tired sleepy etc. etc. Apparently, according to this website centerofparentingeducation.org, they happen more frequently than you may think. Mood variation typically rings a bell when you're thinking about the teenage years. Teenagers going up and down in mood because of their hormones but as your child grows they are going through these changes in their body and they don't really quite understand why the feeling the way that feeling. I found out that before age 6 1/2, your child can go through a bout of mood swings every six months or so and then after age 6 1/2 it's on the odd years 7, 9 and 11. That's when we come in as parents! We have to show them how to regulate these new feelings.

http://centerforparentingeducation.org/library-of-articles/child-development/child-development-by-age/

This site breaks down each age and the developmental areas that your child is coming upon. I could pinpoint each issue that we were having with my seven-year-old here. It was really helpful and it definitely made me feel little bit more easier about this being phased versus being something serious. 

Parenting is always a learning experience even for those who feel like they have it down. I truly believe there are no experts just learning what works as it comes. 

Ash

Thelloydmom

Drowning is silent

The campaign that can save lives. Did you know that downing can happen in an inch of water?

At one point in the several past months, I have witnessed a handful of incidents where I have thought to myself "don't they know they can drown?" For instance, a toddler being left in a tub of running water so she can clean up something on the kitchen floor, clear across her home...?? I was mortified! Of course, the next time I saw this sweet mom I brought her information on the dangers of water and unattended toddlers! 

Being an Arizona resident, and an educator, this is something so poignant in my line of work. Not only that, something I am adamant about being a mother of two rambunctious boys.
What to do?
Take a minute to watch this video, it recalls two stories, one about a boy encountering secondary drowning and another family that is filled with grief because of that "one" second dad looked away.
In that video, they do a wonderful demonstration of the latest CPR technique for adults, infant and children. If you don't know these, watch this video just for that. You can save a life. Most often times a child will drown at a party or gathering because they are not being watched by the everyone gathered around the pool. The parent naively assuming that everyone else has their eye on the kids on the pool. I mean, we get it, it was a long week at work and you need some RnR and adult time too. Right? WRONG. Don't let that be you, hang with your kid and relax with them. Be sure to be diligent and watch your kid in the water.

Your child is worth more than whatever pulls your attention from them around water.

Ash
thelloydmom

Life happens, don't let it pass you by.

Take today to stop and smile. Play with  your kiddos because these moments are quickly running away from us. You'll look back and think why didn't my stop and hug them? Why didn't we stop to have fun? Don't have a future of regrets,  stop and play now. Giggle a little. I guarantee you WONT regret that.

PS it doctors orders ;)

Ash
thelloydmom

What your child's teachers want you to know.

I recently read this article that had been weighing on my mind. It was written by a high school teacher but I feel it pertains to us all as parents with children in the classroom with other adults. I have felt the same way he notes, but on the other hand have felt the way he explains parents may act when it comes to their child succeeding. I want to break down his points in each section to get it across to parents of all ages.

First, "we are educators, not nannies". Dead on. Especially in early education, teachers get that look of "who are you to tell me.... ". For those who are in the field with knowledge like I work with at Watch Me Grow Childcare and Preschool, we are educated. We are educated and have seen your kiddo outside of the comfort of the home. If we see something that isn't typical, or normal for your child's development, we should not be chastised for wanting to prove tips and tools for the parents to get the child where they should be. We need to have a circle of trust between the teacher and the parent. Trust our eye and don't fight our advice or suggestions when it comes to your child in the class and their interactions with others. We are your partner in providing your child with the best start in life.

Second, excuses for your child's work not getting done. Luckily, there is less of this in early education because your children are still learning to develop a sense of responsibility and ownership of their actions. That brings me to behavior. Do, let us know if they didn't sleep well, eat breakfast or if a parent is out of town. These are called stressors. This provides us with the knowledge of why the child is displaying this behavior and allows us to open up the line if communication with the chid during school. They are throwing tantrums during carpet time because of their sleepless night, let's label this. We can discuss the reasoning for your child to link the emotion to the cause. They need to know that it's okay to be sad and irritated because Dad is out of town for three days and they really miss him. Party of our job is to help arm them with the coping tools for when those feelings creep up on them again.

"Please, be a partner instead of a prosecutor." I cannot emphasize this enough. In terms of early care, don't go over our head unless a behavior or interactions with your child warrants immediate action. If your kid is having a hard time adjusting or just hasn't connected with the early care teacher, tell that teacher and discuss what your child enjoys, find common ground and, again, partner with your child's teacher to make the relationship thrive. Who knows, you may be walking in on the witching hour and all of the kids are in tears, this happens from time to time.  We teachers are not lying when we say crying is contagious.

Lastly, when your child tells you something about school that concerns you, approach your teacher like this "I wanted to let you know something my child said took place in your class, because I know that children can exaggerate and that there are always two sides to every story. I was hoping you could shed some light for me." Kids exaggerate and don't understand the terms on context. This reminds me of the picture with this post. We hear things too, doesn't mean we believe it all.

Consider this as my final plea, if your doctor gives you tips to get healthy, you take it as educated guidance. Treat your teacher as the educated professional they are.  We aren't in this field for the money, but we are in it for the moments of epiphany and quality guidance of costed and families. They are our future and we want them to walk with confidence that their parents and teachers are united in what's best. If you question and talk the teacher down of front of your child, they will not have respect for that teacher and possibly make the same excuse for teachers and leaders ahead of them. When they meet challenge in the classroom, you want them to dig deep into themselves to work and don't want them to dish out excuses.

For the full article, and words of wisdom when it comes to upper level educational partnership, find it here.

Ash
thelloydmom

Responsibilities = Sense of being needed

In our house the boys have responsibilities. I don't like to use the word chores. It has such a negative connotation to it. If you offer responsibilities, this in turn provides your child with a sense of "they need me". Following the previous post, if you set this up in a way for them to take a leadership role and want to please you, it will make these tasks enjoyable to them.

Rewarding them will be totally up to you. Our "reward" at the end of the day is a set of quarters (savings account money really). The only way they can earn these quarters is by following directions, being kind, following the rules at school and home and getting their responsibilities finished for that day. That may sound like a task order, but in reality doesn't it seem like a given for the kids to be successful in these? I want to point out that we make sure that everyday is a fresh slate. We never take their reward away for more than a day. This will lose other privileges for big transgressions, but the reward is earned. Like you're paycheck.

I'll leave you with setting appropriate boundaries and limits are key to a smooth day.

Use this great chart for age appropriate responsibilities. We use them and I pass them to my families that I see as a parent educator. They really are simple and direct.

Have your child help decide which and when these get done too! If they are involved on the decision process they will want to take ownership for those decision agreed upon.

It's all about delivery

In the classroom and at home, how you organize words can mean all the world to a child and their psyche.

Check out these tips for ways to encourage, strengthen and motivate you little ones. After all, they are naturally people pleasers!

http://carrotsareorange.com/children-challenging-moments/

Do you have any sayings that seem to work everytime for your brooding super hero?

Ash
thelloydmom

One of those...

This morning began like this book,  I have to be reminded that these days are common, thankfully for us, they are far and few between. This lead to good discussion with the boys about changing our attitudes, thinking about the positive and then just taking a deep breath.

Do not determine how your day end up by an avalanche of no good things. I was thankful for some personal reflection while pumping gas, you know because being a parent can mean this is your only quiet time. I got back in the car and asked Mason about what he does when he is having a rough day. He told me when he laid in his bed just for a little bit to get out of bed with new attitude worked for him.
I will not let this morning define my day and I'll move forward but I thought I'd share the realness of parenting and that not all days are sunny, cheerful, rainbows and lollipops but you determine the way it ends.

Ashley
Thelloydmom

Victory can mean...

that your kids made it through the day without a bloody nose.
they played together instead of against eachother.
you didn't contemplate an urgent care cost.
it was a tear free day.
you had PB&J for dinner.

things that make life less intense. Be grateful for those, I got absolutely nothing accomplished, days.

-Ashley
thelloydmom

Common Core Education.

Dear Parent's,

Arm yourself with knowledge and information no matter your side on common core, this video is a glimpse into a society of cookie cutter educational system that is doomed to fail. We know that the system is broken but we continue to try to make this mold out of people. People who are independent in their nature, independent in their skills and independent in whothey are as an individual. The final line in this video is a key principal for what I believe is part of this broken system. Parental involvement in the children's educational career is key to success and without involvement children fall through the cracks and then we blame the teacher. Why common core was implemented without any question from the general public is beyond me.

This takes me back to a TED talk that I've shared several times, where we try to put children into these molds and expect them to come out ready for the world. This is not the case and it never will be This is a 40 minute video worth watching because your children's education is at stake.

Arizona has renamed the Common Core as College and Career Readiness. The Department of Ed did this because Common Core puts a bad taste in everyone's mouth. Yet, AZ schools are required by law to uphold the standards mandated by the federal government.
It is important for accurate information to be shared about Common Core Standards, watch the video and then consider where you go from here.

BUILDING THE MACHINE - The Common Core Documentary: http://youtu.be/zjxBClx01jc

Prime Time Play

Arizona is on the fine line of summer. We are going to be seeing low 90s this upcoming week and this weekend is a prime example of enjoying time while it's here!
The sunshine and breeze in the wind are free! Let your kids outside to take in these joys on life, you'll be amazed at the joy it will bring you.  Hear giggles and watch grins illuminate on the faces of innocence and imagination! Join in and be interactive, after all these times are limited but the memories are life long.
Take care and have fun!

Ashley
thelloydmom

Soccer season

This will be my house for the next 8 weeks. Two boys in soccer with 8 am game times on Saturdays...
I just hope that our Ben, who loves to sleep in, can shake his bushy tail for his 8 am games for a sport he has been dying to play.... wish us luck!

Commitment to Me

I have asked my self to fall on the mundane, wake up work and repeat. This makes me sad for many reasons. One because I know I'm not taking care of myself emotionally. Don't get me wrong, I'm so blessed and grateful for the people and things I have in my life. We work really hard to give the boys a good life. There are things we are overlooking. These are the ideals that our bodies are a temple and they need to be fed. Fed literally and physically.

A great joy of mine, is physical activity, pushing myself beyond. I know many people do not have the love in really, truly enjoying their heart rate jumping and sweat dripping. This is one of the pleasures on life that I can honestly say I feel is fuel to my soul. I have given this speech before but hear I am, a couple months earlier than last year. Telling myself I need to treat my soul with things that have held true. Every time.

This is my promise to myself. 3 weeks of me time. 3 weeks of 30 minutes morning cardio. 3 weeks of an afternoon/evening 30 minutes of whatever but something. An hour total for my soul. I know I'm worth this.

 

Let's talk about my obstacles that have pushed me to say "not today".
Washing my hair. Let's be real, of we were men and could get in the shower to wash off and go about our day we'd all have six packs and an ass that wouldn't shake. My insecurities are special in that I am my worse enemy. I don't envy women with great bodies who don't "need" to work out. It's about how I feel inside, emotionally and physically strong. The muscles that come with it are a bonus. I'm done with excuses. My excuses. The boys deserve a healthy strong mom to show them that their bodies are worth every effort to be healthy inside.

 

Again, just keep moving forward. So, Day 3 of this, success! Day 4 is when my muscles fatigue typcially and I will fight through it. How do you get "you time" in? What fills your soul?

 

Ashley

thelloydmom

What is a project without substance?

I have created the Whole Family Project in hopes to relate, communicate and alleviate stresses that come with Parenting. Although these stresses pale in comparison to the joys and unconditional love that comes wrapped up in your children, it can be pretty hairy at times.

My vision for The Whole Family Project is to strengthen families from the moment of conception. I will provide support and help facilitate healthy development, proactive parenting and strong foundation the future of our communities will be brighter. This support will come from my knowledge of Early Childhood Develop and Family and Human Development. Not only can I pull from my studies and experiences in the classroom, I have a team of knowledgeable and notable supports who have the same dream I do.

Without a "parenting handbook", we all wing it, even those who feel like they have it down. Asking questions and having the desire to learn more for your children and family development is vital to the health of your relationships within the home. Be happier by gaining the support and non judgemental knowledge of those who may have seen it, experienced or researched it.

This blog is just not about child development, it is about the health of the family as a whole. Maternal and Paternal well being are the foundation of a healthy family. I will share my struggles and success at being a full time mom, full time Parent Educator and a full time wife simultaneously. With those hats, I have a love for fitness and feel that it is the key to my inner health. My mantra is to keeping moving forward because everyday comes no matter the struggles you face.

You will also see many pictures, links and write up about ways to be the best parent, partner and person you can be. There is no ideological philosophy behind my motivation. It is just to be happy, positive and carefree. We can learn from parenting blunders and grow with our families together.

Please join me in this journey in my goal to:

Empower parents.

Facilitate Healthy Development

Grow together.

Sincerly,
Ashley
thelloydmom



The Whole Family Project on Facebook